The worst part of moving out of home/catered college is the realisation that you actually might have to learn to cook (if you ignore the crippling financial instability, of course). If you’re too lazy to think of meal ideas more complex than pesto pasta, but not insufferable enough to whore out your Instagram story for 10% off a hellofresh subscription, this is the guide for you.
Kevin Rudd (2007 – 2010)
The libs have been at it for a while, so it’s time for something innovative and fresh! While this is a promising dish in theory, it never really rises to expectations. Just like any souffle some external cataclysmic event is probably going to occur during the recipe’s infancy and permanently taint the dish, whether it be your roommate loudly dropping a pot or your closest ally loudly dropping a giant pile of subprime mortgages. Be careful about adding other elements to this recipe though – these flavours don’t necessarily play well with the other things you may have in the Cabinet.
Julia Gillard (2010 – 2013)
Like any bread baker, you know how to actually close the oven door and gracefully redirect to other important issues while the yeast does whatever the fuck it’s doing in there. It’s not your business. You don’t let your ego drive you to constantly open the door and poke a knife in ‘just to check’; completely undermining the baking process and setting up the country for almost a decade of Liberal leadership, unlike some people you could name.
Kevin Rudd part 2 (2013 – 2013)
Three-day old leftovers
It’s back! Here to disappoint and just a little worse. You’ve still got the smugness of having actually cooked for yourself, but all the excitement’s worn off. A quick google reveals that three-days is borderline, particularly since it’s been sitting in your bag all day. You eat it anyway, but even reopening Nauru won’t make this taste Right enough for the Australian populous. Plus, why do you always forget to bring cutlery? You must have left your knife somewhere…
Tony Abbott (2013 – 2015)
French onion soup
It goes pretty well with bread, if ‘goes pretty well’ could be translated as being absolutely destroyed on gender issues in a viral moment that will supply ALP Spicy Meme Stash to the end of days. Plus, if you’re short on time you can always eat the onion raw. Apparently, it tastes like apples? Be aware, the odour from this dish will hang in your fridge for months after you FINALLY get rid of it, likely tainting your cooking attempts for many years to come.
Malcolm Turnbull (2015 – 2018)
Something from Ottolengi’s newest cookbook
You’re rich, but you’re also progressive enough to flirt with Middle Eastern flavours. Try something with fish, but make sure you remove the backbone before roasting – wouldn’t want any sort of moral conviction to prevent you from really marinating in the party’s juices and losing all sense of your original flavour.
Scott Morrison (2018 - ?)
How good is Maccas?
Maccas is open late at night and, yes, it polled as preferred from the start, but really, look at the options (once you exclude the more qualified female candidate, of course).
Like Maccas, you’ve Shorterned your name to appear more laddish and approachable. But really, that’s most of what you have to distinguish from the competition (apart from your alarming affinity for Definitely Not A Cult Hillsong Church). Zambreros is the other direction entirely (Left, in fact) and there’s a really comprehensive menu of add-ons to contemplate that you just don’t have time for. Plus, you’re much less likely to shit yourself at a Maccas. Right?