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Pepperoni Observational News Corp –ANU exec announce student pencil subsidy after laptop ban

By Chilli Pepper

Pepperoni Observational News Corp is a Peppercorn series that delivers satirical news and reporting via Peppercorn’s Facebook page and biannual magazine, and definitely has no affiliation with Woroni or the ANU Observer and any allusions to affiliations with these news outlets are false and misleading and should not be made or considered.

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ANU exec announce student pencil subsidy after laptops banned from lectures, exams

In July 2023, the ANU Executive announced that all technology was a danger to society and that all assessments, lectures, and exams will be technology-free going forward.

To facilitate the transition away from useful technologies like laptops, the ANU Executive have announced a student pencil subsidy for all students. This will entitle all active students to seven HB pencils, and does not include paper or notebooks.

Gabs Christie, a biology undergrad, was shocked at the news. “I honestly thought this was satire,” she said. “How can a world-class university ban technology? Is this a joke?”

The ANU Executive explained that pencils and paper will be the only acceptable way to complete assessments and participate in class. Wattle will also be officially disbanded, following reports from Woroni in June 2023 that around 95% of undergrad students are actually just ChatGPT and are not sentient human beings.

“Generative AI is an unacceptable risk to society”, ANU Executive Dean Brapburry explained. “Life was so much better before the internet and I, as well as the other ANU Executives, want to create a post-technology education for our students.”

We examined the conflict of interest disclosures of all ANU Executive – including Dean Brapburry – and found that 75% of them belong to Luddites Australia, a political group resistant to new technologies and advocate for a future free from technology.

The ANU Executive explained that students will need to send assessments and exams by carrier pigeon if they wish to complete their degrees off-campus. Students on-campus can sign up for tutorials on paper lists nailed to Chifley Library at the start of each semester, and grades will be announced via the ANU Town Crier every Monday at 8am in Kambri.

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