By Chilli Pepper
Pepperoni Observational News Corp is a Peppercorn series that delivers satirical news and reporting via Peppercorn’s Facebook page and biannual magazine, and definitely has no affiliation with Woroni or the ANU Observer and any allusions to affiliations with these news outlets are false and misleading and should not be made or considered.
This just in...
College Senior Resident does work of 10 employees, only gets a 5% discount on accommodation fees
At a corporate ceremony earlier this week, UniLodge Senior Resident Miranda Klein, 20, was presented with a 5% accommodation fee discount voucher as compensation for her work.
“I won’t lie, I’m pretty tired,” said a trembling Miranda. “When I signed up for this, I thought it’d look good on a resume... I didn’t realise I’d be doing the work of like 10 employees.”
In the past year, Miranda has regularly:
vacuumed and mopped the floors
been on-call overnight for drunk and locked-out students
accompanied students with psychological issues in ambulances to the ER and waited with them in the ER until the early hours of the morning
supported 150 students on her level that she has been assigned to look after
counselled at least half of those students needing support
been the bouncer and RSA officer for UniLodge social events
planned and managed those social events to make sure no one gets hurt
answered emails and calls on behalf of UniLodge
cooked meals for students who cannot afford dinner
managed the UniLodge budget
represented UniLodge corporate at regular Interhall Events, shareholder General Meetings, and Board Meetings
fixed plumbing issues with the outdated pipes
maintained a coin dispensary for students needing to wash their clothes because no one uses coins anymore and UniLodge still makes you pay to use the washing machines
hosted weekly yoga classes on the lawns
fired several UniLodge employees on behalf of UniLodge corporate
provided totally under the table and unofficial contract and property law advice to students that UniLodge successfully lobbied the ACT Government for something called an “Occupancy Agreement” that is not covered by the Residential Tenancies Act and, no, UniLodge residents do not have the same rights as tenants in the ACT and have basically signed their life away on an unfair contract that are the result of severe power imbalances and, no, they will never be able to escape until they are forced to leave in January the following year and asked to pay $200 for a “cleaning fee” even though their apartment had been entirely covered in a layer of grease since they arrived and was never addressed the entire time they were living there.
We asked Miranda if the 5% discount on her accommodation fees was worth it, given that she is basically an employee of UniLodge and the discount only amounts to her being paid 30 cents per hour.
“Not worth it at all,” Miranda said with unsteady hands. “It costs $621 a fortnight for a room at UniLodge, so I’m already paying well-above the market rate for this room... even with a $31.05 fortnightly discount.”
Miranda continued, “I could be living my best life partying in a fun, run-down Turner house with my friends, but instead I’m basically the living embodiment of a superwoman. This is where the gender pay gap starts.”
Miranda pointed out that she had been assigned a Residential Advisor to support her, but she has been unable to locate them since the start of the Semester. We visited the room of this RA on several occasions and were able to confirm Miranda’s suspicions that the person could not be located and is likely of a supernatural or ghostly origin.