Rebecca Kriesler
“They think they are simply finding the one, but instead, they are finding the one percent.”
This is it. The beginning of Armageddon.
With the creation of the new dating app “Toffee,” the bourgeois are at the brink of class war victory. This is the closest the proletariat has ever been to defeat, to being trapped forever as a cog in the capitalist machine. Like bread without yeast – never to rise again.
Unless… we take our final stand- Viva la revolution.
So, what is this dreaded app that has destroyed the world?
Toffee - Tinder for private school. And in order to ensure that no poor person may ever
approach this ivory tower, there is rigorous testing to ensure that you actually are one of
the elites. They will ask you questions only the rich could answer, like “What’s your
favourite four course meal?” (and you better use the words caviar and truffle, or else). They ring your high-school principle to confirm attendance. They check the balance of your trust fund.
You may be wondering “how could the creation of one app have so much power?” The
answer is simple. There is now absolutely no reason for the rich to ever again engage with the poor. Never again may they accidentally stumble upon a lower class pleb on Tinder and accidentally fall in love, thus marking the beginning of the mating ritual known as the “deconstruction of the stratification of society”. Now, the only interaction between rich and poor will be through buying coffee on campus, where the wealthy giggle at those who must work to afford housing. “Not I” they chortle, “daddy bought me my share house and I just rent out the other rooms to friends for pocket money. I would never dare to waste hours to earn a pittance.”
The true terror of this app is that some of the subjects are unaware. Unaware that they are now complicit in the oppression of the masses. They think they are simply finding the one, but instead, they are finding the one percent.
This reporter decided to interview some of the users of this app to learn more.
“I was drunk and my mates said it looked fun.” Gregory, 26, judge’s associate (the judge is
his god-mother). “I didn’t expect to fall in love, but then I met Clarissa, and everything
changed. She’s just everything my parents would want. Boat license, rower and owns her
own ski resort. We are just so compatible.”
“It’s just a joke, some fun.” Tiffany, 22, Burgmann, Northern beaches, “I would never use it
seriously, I just think it's funny.”
It’s not funny Tiffany. The entrenchment of the class system is no laughing matter.
With the normalization of this app, the apocalypse has officially begun. The doomsday clock is ticking. This reporter calls on you, the readers, to bring justice into your own hands. Next time you see a friend, post-break up, on their new iPhone 11 and jokingly looking for an age appropriate sugar daddy (even though they’re swimming in sugar as it is) - you smash that phone onto the ground, crush it beneath your heel, like you crush capitalism itself.
Remember reader, you have nothing to lose but your chains.